Julia, Julia
by poisoncade
Summary: Clare and Eli's relationship is threatened when Eli tells Clare he's suicidal over Julia. Can he forget her, and forgive himself? OR will Clare take drastic measures to save her boyfriend from regret?
1. Chapter 1

**Eli's POV**

The anniversary of Julia's death was coming up fast, and I was a mess. I would have killed myself if I didn't have Clare with me. Clare, my girlfriend, was the most incredible girl in the world. With sweet blue eyes, and cinnamon curls and the cutest personality, she was wonderful. But now she was getting frustrated with me. "Eli, you can't keep doing this to yourself!" Clare's voice was strained as she yelled at me, holding a towel to my bleeding wrist.

"But I deserve it Clare, don't you understand that? I killed her! I could have kept her alive, but I didn't. Why did we have to fight?" Agony ripped through my chest at the thought of Julia on the ground, bleeding. I screamed into Clare's shoulder. "_Eli? Eli? _What's wrong?" She pulled the towel away, thinking that was what hurt me. "Everything's wrong." I choked out. Oh, my Clare.

I leaned up suddenly and kissed her with a passion that almost scared me. She kissed back cautiously. "Eli… You didn't cause Julia's death. Julia chose to leave, she chose to drive down that road, the driver chose to drink, and that's who the fault belongs to them. Not yours. If you keep cutting yourself Eli, you're going to die. You can't leave me like that." Clare's voice broke and those beautiful blue eyes filled with tears.

"Oh, Clare. Blue Eyes, you don't understand. I like the pain, I deserve the pain. It helps me not to freak out. It even feels good. Clare…I want to kill myself."

**A/N I know where Eli's coming from, I used to cut. Anyway, read on.**

I barely got out the words, but I had to tell her how I felt. I kissed her, but she was frozen. She wouldn't move. "Clare?" I asked, shaking her gently. "You want to die?" she asked gently, her voice filled with shock. I nodded gently. I just wanted the pain to stop. "_Eli, stop it!" _she screamed suddenly, standing up of off my bed.

Tears were streaming down her face, and I stood, wrapping my arms around her. "Clare, Clare. It's okay. I'm not going to do anything." We both slumped down back onto my bed and I kissed Clare's forehead. "Stop crying, baby. It's all going to be okay." Clare kissed me then, and I kissed her back. "You would leave me, just like that? Just kill yourself and put me through all the pain your going trough now?" Clare asked me.

"No, blue eyes, I won't kill myself. I love you, more than anything. I do need to get over Julia and stop hurting myself. I will." It felt like a lie, but I would try. For Clare. "Thank you Eli. You should talk to Adam about the cutting thing, he used to burn himself." Clare murmured into my chest. Her eyes dried slowly. Clare leaned up and gently placed her sweet lips onto mine again. "You promise you're not going to do anything to yourself?" she whispered. I smiled, looking deep into those perfect eyes. "I promise." I whispered back. "C'mon, let's go to the Dot, I'm starving. We'll talk about all of this later, okay?" I wrapped my arm around Clare's waist and walked out of my room, heading downstairs. "I love you Eli," Clare murmured.

"I love you to, Clare."

**A/N 5 reviews for an update, sorry it's so dull. One of my first fan fiction stories. It'll be better in the next one. Message me with stories you want me to write. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Eli's POV**

Me and Clare had just left the Dot. We were driving around in Morty, looking for something to pass the time. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Clare had been cheerful all day, but she was going to make me talk soon. I didn't like talking to Clare about my feelings-at least when it came to this. Not only was it uncomfortable for me, but I knew Clare hated hearing how much pain I'm in. And not only that, but, sometimes, whenever I mentioned something me and Julia had done, her eyes would burn with jealousy. Not that I would ever tell her that I noticed.

"Eli? We…we should talk." Clare's angel voice murmured. I sighed. I hadn't been prepared for this. "Ask me whatever you want, blue eyes." She hesitated, not sure. I grinned at her; maybe she would drop the subject.

Raindrops started to fall, hitting against Morty's windshield. "When did you start hurting yourself?" Clare's voice was strained slightly. I sighed again. Of course she wouldn't drop it. "Right after Julia died." I remembered the pain, the endless ocean of grief. I remembered the first time I ever cut. Suddenly a mind reader, Clare asked "Was that the first time?" I nodded stiffly, keeping my eyes firmly on the road. Then, all of the secrets I'd been holding in slipped out of my mouth. "I was drunk, and I had taken some painkillers." I laughed without humor. As if any drug could take away my pain. "I was in the bathroom, drinking vodka, whenever I saw the razor blade. The next thing I really fully remember was having a blood-covered razor in my hand." The cuts on my wrists throbbed under my dark sleeves. I remembered the stinging from the cuts on my stomach, wrists and arms. I heard Clare try to swallow. Her head was turned to the window, and I couldn't see her face. "What else?" she asked, her voice breaking. I pulled over, and the rain fell harder. I might as well tell her. I took off my seat belt and put my hand on Clare's shoulder. She wouldn't look at me, but she moved closer to me. I took a deep breath and then I told her.

I told her about the endless nights of drinking and cutting. I told her about me smoking, and when cutting just wasn't enough anymore, how I pushed those cigarettes into my skin. When I finally finished, Clare turned to me. Her cheeks were soaked from her tears and I kissed her. "Baby, I'm not like that anymore." She kissed me back. I wiped her tears away, kissing her face. She sighed. "What about scars?" she murmured against my lips. "They're almost impossible to see, baby." I moved to brush her cinnamon curls out of her eyes and my hand accidentally brushed her shirt.

Clare shuddered. She leaned up and kissed me, with a new kind of heat. I moaned as she tried to pull my shirt off. I grabbed her hands and wrapped them around my neck, my shirt hitting the floor. A loud rapping noise came from the window, and me and Clare bolted upright. Clare gasped, and pulled away from me. I looked at the peering face in the window and groaned. Just perfect.


	3. Chapter 3

**Eli's POV **

The police-man rapped on my window again, impatient. Clare glanced at me "Open it!" she said, her eyes wide with panic. I pulled my shirt back down over my head and rolled the window down. The cop glared at me. "Sir, you can't park here." The fat cop said, pointing to the "No Parking Any Time" sign. I hadn't noticed it. "Yes, sir." I said swiftly, twisting the key as Morty roared to life. "Don't do it again, or you'll get a ticket." His lips pulled back slightly, and I wanted to hit the gas so fast it would leave skid marks. "Okay, thanks." I replied, putting the car into gear. The cop stepped back and walked back to his police car as I drove down the road. The rain had let up.

I smirked over at Clare. Her face was rose-colored, and she averted my eyes. I knew why. "So, would you like another public display of embarrassment?" I said, trying to keep a straight face. She leaned over and smacked my arm. "Ow!" I looked over at her, giving her my puppy dog eyes. "Keep your eyes on the road." She muttered. Rays of sunlight flowed through the trees, softly landing on the street. It was nice. I leaned over quickly and kissed Clare's reddening cheek. She smiled. Then she returned the favor. Only, after her lips moved away from my cheek, I wrapped my arm tightly around her. She gently curled up on my chest and eventually fell asleep on my chest.

When I pulled up to my house, Clare woke up and gazed at me with her half-open ocean orbs. "We're back here?" she asked, confused. "Yeah, blue eyes. Unless you want to go back home?" Clare shook her head. "It's really nice out. Can we go somewhere?" Clare asked me, stretching. Her shirt slid up and I saw her stomach. I licked my lips, I couldn't help it. Thank God Clare's eyes were closed because she was yawning. "Of course." I said. I knew the perfect place.

An hour later, Clare was still begging me to tell me where we were going. I just grinned and shook my head. "Ellliii….where are we _going?"_ Clare whined. I glanced over it at her, not watching the highway road. "Blue eyes, don't you know me well enough by now to know that I'm not going to tell you anything? Just relax, baby." I looked back to the road as Clare turned and took a sip of her drink, pouting. I almost grinned. Clare was so cute with her little needs. She said if I got her a drink she would stop bugging me. I gently got off exit 74 and Clare perked up. "Are we there yet?" she asked.

"Almost. A couple more minutes."

"Eli, where are we _going?" _she begged.

I rolled my eyes. "Clare, stop pouting. We will get there soon, and you will love it. Relax, enjoy the ride."

Clare smirked suddenly and her eyes filled with lust. "I'd enjoy the ride a lot more if you kept my mind occupied." She murmured. She grabbed my hand off the wheel and put it on her inner thigh. I sucked in my breath quickly. A low whine came somewhere from the back of my throat.

Then I pulled into something that could have been a driveway, if it wasn't always a mile long. I sped up so that way Clare wouldn't time to read the welcome sign. I turned up where it said beach, and there it was. There was forest on one side, and a beach on the other. The river was huge, with beautiful multi-colored trees on the other side, reflecting of the river. Clare gasped. "Eli, it's perfect." I smirked at her. "I know." I said. Me and Clare got out of Morty and walked down to the beach.

We gently sat down in the field, right next to where the grass stopped and the sand started. I looked up at the sky, just over the tops of the diverse skyline of trees, when I thought about her. Julia. Was she watching me from up there? I looked deeper into the blue sky, as if I might see her face. I sighed deeply. Julia was dead. Even now, two years later, it hurt to think it. But she was. And me cutting, and drinking, and being suicidal wasn't going to bring her back.

Then I looked over at Clare, who was lying in the grass, her arms behind her head with her eyes softly closed. She was perfect. In every way. I gently turned my head back to the sky, and placed my hand on her forehead. "Eli." Clare murmured, gently grabbing my hand and putting it to her lips. "Yes, blue eyes?" I whispered. Clare's eyes opened then, looking at me. Her eyes were a thousand times bluer than the sky. "Life's worth living. It's perfect." I smiled and gently leaned down and pressed my lips to hers. "Yes, Clare." I murmured against her lips. "It is."

**A/N REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!**


	4. Chapter 4

I NEED THE REVIEWS! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! I NEED THEM! PLEASE, ANY THOUGHTZ OR SUGGESTIONS ARE APPRECIATED! (THIS IS THE ONLY ONE OF THESE THEY'RE WILL BE.)


	5. Chapter 5

**Eli's POV**

Clare and I were arguing. I couldn't believe it. I had bumped into Fitz, and we started fighting. So, my fists connected with his face a few times, so what? He deserved it. Not to mention that Clare saw all the new cuts I had made last night. She was crying, and I was crying too. We had been screaming for about ten minutes. "Eli, I don't want you to be like this!" she screamed. "I don't know if I can take it!" Anger flared in my chest. _She _couldn't take it? "It's not a picnic for me either, Clare! Do you think I enjoy being like this? Being this depressed? Do you? I hate it, Clare! I hate it with every cell in my body, I hate myself! You're the only thing in this world that makes me feel like recovery is even a possibility for me." My voice had reduced to a whisper, and sobs racked my body. I hated myself. I collapsed onto the floor of my bedroom, and cried. Clare looked at me through her tear-filled eyes and collapsed next me. I pulled her into my arms and held her there. "I need to stop." I told her. "I don't want to die." I said, gesturing to my wrist. There, the cuts formed the words "Im sorry" and I was.

Clare nodded into my neck, choking back sobs and I held her, kissing her face. "I love you, Clare. I need you, I need you so bad. I don't want to die; I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, do something for me." Clare looked up at me. "What, Eli? What do you need?" she murmured, kissing the corner of my mouth feverishly. "I need you to p-promise me something." I told her. "I need you to promise me that you will never leave me. I need you, Clare." I held her to me and Clare put her hands on either side of my face. "Eli, I promise to be with you, I promise I will never leave you, and I promise you to love you always, Eli, you need to let her go. You need to let Julia go." I nodded. "Yeah." I said. I needed to let this part of this past go. "Let's go."

***An hour later***

Me and Clare stood above the river watching the dark water twist and turn. I tightened my grip on the things in my hands, and I felt a twist of pain ricochet through my body. I had to let go. I stood there, with my eyes closed, and breathed, remembering all the things me and Julia had done together, what we had. I remember her laughing, flipping her hair at me whenever we walked through the mall, looking for CDs. I remembered our first kiss, and how it felt like flying. The way her nose would curl whenever she would see me drinking a little bit of vodka. I remembered the hair barrette I gave her for her birthday, with a black twisted rose braiding itself through her hair. I remembered her eyes, how I thought I could see her soul. That was what we had then. And this was what I had now. I opened my eyes to see Clare's blue orbs staring back at me.

"Take all the time you need, Eli. I'll wait as long as you need." I looked at her eyes, those eyes I loved, the girl I loved. Julia was gone, and I needed to let go. Her death was not my fault, she made her decisions. I looked down at the objects in my hand that to anyone else would be meaningless. The razor blade that I had used on myself, the half-empty bottle of vodka I drank, the painkillers I would take to make myself numb, and then the one that hurt the most. A picture of Julia. Her smile was still the same as it had been the day before, the same twinkle in her eyes. But she wasn't here. I set the picture in my hand, and let all the other things drop into the river, as far away from me as possible. I looked at the photo.

"Clare." I said. She was right behind me, and she touched my hand, the one that wasn't holding the picture. "She was a part of me. I can't let go of this." I said. Clare looked at me, and her eyes shown with a gentle, but determined, fire. "Eli, she still is." Then she placed her hand on my chest. "She's a part of you in _here. _She's a memory for you, and she's always with you. But, she's just a memory." Clare paused for a second, and then continued. I hung onto her words like a drowning person hung onto a side of a boat. "And this picture won't change that." I looked down at the picture, and that's all it was. Just a picture. It wouldn't change my life at all. Julia was gone, just a memory. She was with me in my memories, in my heart. This picture wouldn't change anything. But yet it will. It would change because I was letting go. As I let go of the picture, and let it fall into the water, I was letting go of so much more. Julia, her death, all the pain that followed, I was letting it go. I was letting go of the grief, of the pain. I was letting go.

I watched the picture disappear into the black water, out of sight. I watched as my pain was buried, and I started to walk away, me and my memories. And my reason for living, the life of my life, walked beside me, holding my hand.

**A/N Good? Any thoughts? Review. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Eli's POV**

***Three months later***

Me and Clare walked along the beach, me holding her hand. I know, it was something out of a romance novel, and very cheesy. But Clare liked it, and that was all that mattered. Clare's parents had decided that we could see each other all we wanted. They were kind of overwhelmed right now, and couldn't watch us properly. Darcy had gotten pregnant, and was getting married in this week. She was about eight months pregnant, and she had hidden it while she was in Kenya. Clare's parents were about to disown her, but she promised she would make up for it. She lied, saying that she and Peter (who was also the baby's father) had already been married before she got pregnant. She said that they had eloped. The sonogram said a healthy baby boy was on the way. Clare was thrilled that she would be an aunt.

Me and Clare had been happily in love for a few months now, and my depression had all but disappeared. We spent hours talking, listening to music, anything like that. It was nice out, and the sun was shining. I twirled Clare around, like we were dancing and she giggled. God, I loved her so much. I pulled her to me and kissed her perfect lips. Fireworks shot off in my head and Clare wrapped her arms around me. I was so very, very lucky to have her. No one else was here, and we were a few miles down the beach by now. No one else knew where this was. Cece and Bullfrog had come here whenever they had been dating, and now it was my turn. My hands wrapped eagerly around Clare's waist, gently running my fingers over the waistband of her shorts. Clare moaned and kissed me harder. I gently stuck my thumbs underneath my waistband, expecting Clare to push me away. To say the least, she didn't. She pulled me down into the sand with her, and we began to kiss fiercely. My hands wondered underneath Clare's shirt, testing the boundaries. Frustrated by my hesitation, she put my hands on her back, directly on top of her bra strap. I pulled my mouth off of hers and stared deep into her sapphire eyes. "Clare, are you sure? I don't want to pressure you." I said. She kissed me again, and there was more than just lust in this kiss. She really loved me.

"Eli, I know what my beliefs are. But I love you more than anyone in the world, not to mention how badly I need you physically. I'm not always a saint." Clare said, grinning. She pulled off my shirt and I unhooked her bra. She grinned, and began to undo her shirt. "Clare, are you sure?" I asked again. "Eli." She said, leaning down to kiss me. "This'll be fun, trust me." Where had my Miss Saint Clare gone? Who was this blue-eyed flirt? I stopped her. "Not here, Clare." I said. I pulled her up out of the warm sand and she looked shocked. "Why not?" she protested. I smiled gently at her outrage. Did she really think I wanted her first time to be on a beach? I wanted it to be somewhere where we could sleep together, where we could take all day if we wanted to. Besides, someone could walk down this beach any second and Clare would be mortified. Not only that, but I didn't think she was ready. "Clare, after everything that has been going on with Darcy, are you really willing to risk it? Clare, your beliefs are important to you. I know that. You don't need to worry about making me happy. If you break those beliefs now, that you've lived by for so long, you might regret it. Clare, I will love you not matter what, but I could never forgive myself if you regret it. Please, just wait." I said, clasping her hands in mine.

Clare sighed, looking very disappointed, and my decision wavered for a second. No, I couldn't let Clare regret it. "Alright, we'll wait." She said. "You promise that someday…?" she asked me, her blue orbs looking at me pleadingly. I nodded. "Yes, someday." I said. She smiled, and we both walked back up the beach towards Morty, hand in hand.

***Riding home***

Clare was fast asleep in the passenger side, and we were about twenty minutes from home whenever we saw the accident in front of us. "Damn it." I cursed. The accident was blocking the whole road, not to mention the ambulances. I sighed and Clare woke up. "What's going on?" she asked. I sighed again, gesturing to the hold up in front of us. Fear shot through me as I recognized the car that had been totaled. Oh God no. Clare noticed at the same time I did, and clasped her hand over her mouth. I was out of Morty in five seconds and running towards the accident, Clare right behind me. I heard sobbing and EMS shouting orders. I raced up and looked at the navy blue Honda, taking in the damage. The windshield was shattered, the back of the car smashed. There was no way that it could be fixed. There was blood on the windshield, and the paramedics were trying to stabilize the young man lying on the ground, with his bride to be standing next to the ambulance, sobbing, and peering through her hands at her fiancée. Clare raced over to her. "Darcy!"

**A/N Sorry it's short, but please REVEW! I love your reviews. Comments, questions, other POVS, and should I do a story about Clare and Eli getting married? REVIEW! Check out my other stories if you haven't already. **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Sorry I haven't updated, my computer has been broken. IMPORTANT: I am thinking of doing a series of one-shots about Clare, Eli, and their children. I am also thinking about doing a story where Clare gets pregnant and Eli supports her, with an incredible twist. Review if you guys want either of those!**

**Eli's POV**

Clare ran over and wrapped her arms around Darcy's pregnant stomach. I watched as the paramedics wrapped Peter's head in gauze. He had a long cut down the left side of his face, but otherwise seemed fine. Darcy, on the other hand, seemed to be on the verge of a total breakdown. "Eli." Peter said, nodding his head once towards me, a smile breaking out on his face. Peter had been hanging out with me and Adam lately, mainly because he didn't really have time for anyone else. After all, his fiancée was pregnant, so he couldn't really hang out with anyone unless they were close to home. "Hey man, are you okay?" I asked him. His hand briefly went up to touch his forehead, but he shrugged. "I'm fine. They checked out Darcy and the baby, and they're both fine to. It just gave Darcy a scare." He said, wrapping his arms around his bride-to-be. Darcy hastily wiped the tears from her eyes, and glared at Peter.

"Of course I'm scared! Why wouldn't I be? My fiancée flew through a window because he was too stupid to put his seatbelt on, and I worried about our baby!" Darcy said, flinging her auburn hair behind her ears. "I know, baby, I know. Calm down." Peter said. He leaned down and kissed Darcy's forehead, gently brushing her tears away. Clare and I glanced at each other and I rolled my eyes. They were very lovey-dovey. The paramedic helped Peter up and the other driver gave them their insurance information. After all the commotion, the tow trucks took their cars, and he paramedics left. "Eli, would you mind if we went home with you guys? Obviously, we don't have a car." Peter said, looking hopeful. "Of course." Clare said, taking Darcy's hand. Darcy smiled down at her little sister and grinned. Peter got into Morty, pausing to help Darcy in.

"So, to your apartment guys?" I asked as we drove down the road. "Actually, would you mind dropping us off at the baby store downtown? We only have to pick up a few more things and then the nursery will be totally finished." Darcy said. Peter grinned from the passenger side. He loved the thought of being a dad. "Sure, no problem." I said. "Darcy? Are you alright?" Peter said suddenly, looking into the backseat. I slowed Morty down and twisted my head around my shoulder to see Darcy holding her stomach, hissing in pain. "Darcy?" Clare said, concern flooding her voice. Darcy bit her bottom lip and squeezed her eyes shut. She gasped suddenly, and then sharply inhaled. "Peter, are you ready to be a dad?" Darcy asked tensely, a small smile breaking out on her face. Peter paled, and nodded. "Clare, switch with me." Peter said, taking off his seatbelt. Peter and Clare switched seats, Clare in the front with me, Peter in the back with his fiancée.

"Eli, I'd take her to the hospital!" Clare said, panicking. I nodded, and hit Morty's gas pedal. We sped off towards the hospital as Darcy squeezed Peter's hand. "Ow! Ow, Peter!" Darcy cried out as we turned into the hospital parking lot. Darcy bit her bottom lip, drawing blood as I parked Morty. Clare punched a number into her phone and then looked back at Darcy before hitting Talk "Do you want Mom and Dad to be here?" Clare asked, and whenever Darcy nodded her head Clare hit the button. I jumped out of Morty and opened the door for Peter and Darcy. Peter supported Darcy's back as the hurried into the hospital, Clare and I right on their heels. "Can someone help me? My fiancée is having a baby!" Peter said, always the gentleman as Darcy screamed in pain, doubling over. Peter caught her. Two nurses grabbed a wheelchair and Darcy sat down in it and they wheeled her into a delivery room.

"Mom? It's Clare. Darcy's having the baby. No, we saw her because she was in a car accident-No, she's fine. Yeah, and we were taking her home-she's _fine, _Mom-and she went into labor. Yeah, we're at the hospital." Clare said, talking to her mother. I looked back at where Peter and Darcy had disappeared. Peter emerged from the room and called Clare and I. "Darcy wants you to be here." He said, and he was much calmer.

***Two hours later***

"Alright, bye Eli." Clare said as I left the room. It was time for Darcy to push, and I didn't want to be there for that. Randal was also shoved out into the hall with me. Darcy's father paced back and forth nervously, glancing up frequently whenever he heard Darcy's cries of pain. I sat down in a chair that a nurse had brought me. "It'll be okay, Randal." I said. He looked up at me and nodded, trying to reassure himself. "I'm really going to be a granddad, huh?" he said, as if he had just realized this. I nodded solemnly. "Yep." I said. He shook his head. "Who would have thought." He muttered, continuing to pace. Darcy's screams filled the hallway and Randal whimpered. I had never seen him this pathetic before. Peter burst out of the room suddenly, tears streaming down his face. "Eli, I don't think I can do this." He said. "I can't stand to see her in pain like this. It's all my fault and I feel so _guilty." _Peter said, shaking. I looked at him in shock. Darcy was having his child and he was to chicken by seeing her in pain to pull himself together and witness the birth of his son? I shoved Peter up against the wall and glared at him. "Man up. She needs you now. Get in there and help her." I shoved him back into the room and Peter grabbed Darcy's hand as she screamed again.

***Ten minutes later* **

Peter emerged out of the room, a changed man. I knew what had changed. I had heard the baby's cries. Randal looked up hopefully. Peter, still stunned, looked up at Randal, and then looked at me. "Eli." He said soberly, a new kind of light in his eyes. "Do you want to meet your godson?"

**A/N REVIEW! Good? Bad? What about the other stories I suggested earlier? Also, what do you think the baby's name should be? Review please! **


	8. Chapter 8

Hello everyone! I have ecided to terminated this account and reinvent myself with a new account; poisoncadence. Check to see if your favorite story is being continued on that account, and check out the newest story! Thank you all so much!


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